


there's method in my madness

by shamusiel



Category: Pocket Monsters | Pokemon (Main Video Game Series), Pocket Monsters | Pokemon - All Media Types, Pocket Monsters: Sword & Shield | Pokemon Sword & Shield Versions
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, POV Alternating, Pining, Pre-Relationship, Trans Dande | Leon, brief and vague mention of transphobia if you blink you miss it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-30
Updated: 2019-12-30
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:20:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22026220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shamusiel/pseuds/shamusiel
Summary: When Leon looks in the mirror nowadays, he doesn't see the strong, confident, charismatic twenty-one-year-old everyone thinks him to be—no, expects him to be; he sees a child that was forced to grow up too soon, too fast.Who are you, really?
Relationships: Dande | Leon/Kibana | Raihan, Leon/Raihan, Raihan/Leon
Comments: 26
Kudos: 286





	there's method in my madness

**Author's Note:**

> you don't gain a single thing from misery,  
> [take it from me.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dS5GfL9F7L4)

When Leon shows up at his front door with his eyes distant, his hair disheveled, and a look that tells Raihan _don't say anything,_ it's one in the morning.

Raihan doesn't hesitate to step aside.

It's maybe the first time Leon's shown up unannounced, silently demanding entrance into Raihan's home and Raihan has to wonder how he made it through the castle without getting hopelessly lost. It's not the time to think about that, though. He can read the mood well enough. If Leon doesn't want him to talk then he won't talk, and he won't make Leon talk if he doesn't want to. He won't push because Leon's stubborn as a Mudbray and the more you try to get him to do something the less likely he is to do it.

Leon is making a Combee-line towards the kitchen and Raihan is close behind and— oh, now Leon is digging out his stash of alcohol and pouring himself a shot of pure whiskey.

"Let me get a few of these down," he says, and his voice sounds oddly _small,_ but still rough. Has he… been crying? "And then I'm going to talk."

He lifts the shot glass. "And you're going to listen."

Raihan just nods.

The first shot is taken and Leon's face screws up in a way Raihan might have thought was cute any other time. The second evidently goes down easier. The third causes no reaction at all, but Leon's cheeks are already tinted pink, his eyelids heavy. Raihan notes the deep lines under his eyes, the dark bags betraying exhaustion. Leon tucks the whiskey bottle back where he found it and practically drops the shot glass into the sink, it's a wonder it doesn't break.

Then he's pushing past Raihan, their arms brushing briefly and the contact feels like flames. He's almost tempted to catch Leon by the arm but keeps his hands to himself even if he'd much rather hold him in some way. No. He pushes those thoughts away. They're stupid, unnecessary, and cause more pain than they're worth.

He's seen Leon frustrated a few times, it's always weird considering how he usually seems so… happy, vibrant, just like when they were kids. _When they were kids,_ and everything was so much easier. When Leon was ten years old and wasn't exactly Leon yet but still had those bright golden eyes, and Sonia was at his side, her fiery hair a curly mess around her head ( it got wavier, easier to manage over the years since then ). When Raihan would help Leon when he got lost, or tease him for his clumsiness, while Sonia always defended Leon with a huff and a stomp of her foot, not even shying away from the boy much bigger than her, than both of them. When they all laughed together. When they all met up on their journeys consistently. Before Leon became Champion at an unbelievably young age. Before everything changed.

Some changes were good, like Leon figuring himself out proper, choosing a name that felt strong and courageous and publicly becoming _himself_ after taking the title of Champion three years prior.

Some changes were questionable. Raihan never tried to pry, but he always worried. Always did his best to visit Postwick until Leon appeared there less and less, to the point _Sonia_ even asked Raihan if she knew what was going on, worry writ across her pretty face. And if Leon couldn't tell Sonia, the girl he was friends with practically since they were babies, how and why would he have talked to Raihan about it?

The weight of all of Galar was dropped onto the shoulders of a child too young and confused to handle it all at once. Raihan can't say he understands, he doesn't imagine he'll ever be in a position even close to that, but if Leon asked him to listen he would.

Leon is sinking down on the far end of the sofa now, he's pulled a pillow into his lap and picks lightly at a loose thread. Raihan doesn't know what to do at that moment, he just stands and watches, and then…

"Leon—"

"Hold on," Leon says, hoarse. "I'm… thinking."

Both of his hands come up to his face, patting it in the way he does to comfort himself. Something he always did ever since Raihan first met him.

"Take your time." Raihan sits down at the other end of the sofa, careful not to take up too much space and give Leon enough room.

—

_Heroes wear capes._ A thought that rang in Leon's head since he was a child, as he pored over his collection of superhero comics and shounen manga, as he sat on the floor in the living room before the telly and watched Zubatman and Fletchling take down yet another dastardly villain.

And then Rose had said it to him, not long after he took the title of Champion. It was said with a smile, the Chairman's hand landing on his shoulder to give it a little pat. Was he really meant to be the hero, then? The hero of Galar, like in those stories about the hero with the sword and shield?

He never thought he'd look good with a sword and shield. Aegislash doesn't count. But Chairman Rose was kind, his eyes crinkled at the corners when he smiled and Leon couldn't help but feel comfortable with him. Like he was some kind of nice uncle, even though he already had a few uncles to begin with.

_"Can I wear a cape?"_

_"Of course! If that would make you happy."_

When he was thirteen, he told him—and the world—who the real Leon was. He asked the Chairman to help his family with the legal documents, the fees, bubbling with joy because he felt he found his identity outside of being Champion. Because that's all he felt he was, at first.

 _"Of course. If that would make you happy."_ But this time it's said with a smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes, which flash with something inscrutable to a young thirteen-year-old. Leon was too high on his excitement to care.

There came a point where his relationship with Rose became less familial, more business-like. Leon, when he thought about it years down the line, could pinpoint exactly when that shift happened—and it leaves a foul taste in his mouth.

Whatever, Leon knew himself better than Rose ever did and ever will. He knows himself better than _anyone_ will.

Or, maybe not.

When Leon looks in the mirror nowadays, he doesn't see the strong, confident, charismatic twenty-one-year-old everyone thinks him to be—no, _expects_ him to be; he sees a child that was forced to grow up too soon, too fast. _Who are you, really?_

At least throughout all of this, he still had his family, even if most of their contact was through the phone; and he had Sonia, and he had Raihan. Sonia, who had more or less dropped the idea of being a trainer and focused more on helping her grandmother in the lab; Raihan, who became a gym leader at the young age of fifteen.

They were all busy, but they still found time to meet up at least once a week. They were always there for him over the years, even if they were all too damn stubborn and butted heads often. There was one time where he looked at Sonia and thought maybe he should like her, really _like_ her, because she was smart and pretty and funny, but no matter how hard he tried he couldn't muster up anything past a brotherly love towards her. Besides, they were both fifteen when Sonia nervously confided in him a secret she had kept for a long time.

_"I like girls." Her eyes dart away. "Really like them."_

Leon just smiled and hugged her.

Raihan was different. Leon felt… _something,_ but he was so young and confused and inexperienced and busy and stressed that he couldn't really put a name on it. But when Raihan smiled, his heart fluttered; when Raihan laughed, he laughed with him. He remembers how excited Raihan had been for him when he told him that his parents signed the permission form for him to start hormone therapy at sixteen, and remembers being seventeen with Raihan sitting at his bedside post-top surgery showing him videos on his phone while he was high off of pain medication.

There were some things he could talk to Sonia about. But most things he could only talk to Raihan about. Even with their _rivalry,_ they were still friends, and Raihan would understand Leon's stress, he thinks, but Leon has this problem where he bottles everything up until he's bursting at the seams.

Because the Champion isn't supposed to be stressed, or depressed; they're supposed to be all smiles, all bravery, generosity, kindness.

Tonight, he swallowed his pride and flew to Hammerlocke on the back of his Charizard because he couldn't stand it anymore.

And he sits now in Raihan's living room, perched on one end of the sofa, not quite tipsy but still feeling a soft buzz from three shots of whiskey meant to loosen him up. They just make his stomach hurt a little bit. Raihan is still silent, but Leon can feel his eyes on him from where he sits at the other end of the sofa. Watching, waiting for Leon to speak, and Leon worries his bottom lip with his teeth.

“Did I wake you up?” He finally asks.

“Yeah.”

“Sorry,” Leon mumbles. “Should’ve messaged you first, I guess. I just—”

He inhales sharply. All walls are slowly starting to come down, his grip on the cushion in his lap tightens. It’s all threatening to come out at once, everything he wants to say, everything that’s been stuck in his mind all night, all day, or maybe since forever. Stress is suffocating, and that metaphorical weight on his shoulders just presses further down.

“Needed someone to talk to,” he finally continues, voice hoarse. Leon stands from the couch, the pillow still in his grasp as he paces restlessly through the living room. Brows are furrowed, his teeth are digging into the inside of his cheek so hard he may very well draw blood. So many things he wants to say, but his mind has difficulty deciding where to even _start_ and he’s worried it might just spew out, a verbal stream of consciousness. He shakes his head roughly. “No, sorry, it’s late. I shouldn’t be here. You need to sleep.”

“Leon,” Raihan’s voice is soft. Leon winces.

“Don’t worry about it,” Leon insists.

“Leon.” Raihan is rising to his feet now, circling around the coffee table, getting closer. Too close.

“No, it really doesn’t matter.” But Leon is having a hard time convincing even himself of that.

“It does.” Raihan stands before him now, towers over him like he always does, but there’s something gentle in his eyes that makes Leon’s heart ache. “You can talk to me about anything. I promise.”

_What did I do to deserve a friend like you?_

He doesn’t realize he’s crying until the tears are dripping onto his arms and Raihan is staring at him with wide, shocked eyes. Leon ducks his head away, turns around swiftly, and in a flash of anger he’s hurling the pillow across the room. It narrowly misses knocking over a lamp, instead hitting the wall beyond it and flopping uselessly onto the floor. His face feels hot, his brain feels like it’s on fire, his blood is burning and his heart is hurting.

“I don’t know what I’m doing anymore,” he finally admits. “I don’t- I- you know, I’m happy being Champion. I think. But I…”

Leon grips his own arms, the nails digging in.

“Sometimes I wish I wasn’t.”

A beat of silence, and then, “Why?”

“Maybe I would have gotten a real childhood.” His voice is bitter. “More time to explore myself. No need to worry about what everyone thinks of me. I don’t have to smile all the time. The whole region wouldn’t depend on me. And I could just—”

Leon’s voice cracks, “Live.”

His shoulders are shaking, he’s hunching over. The tears are hot, they sting at his eyes, they feel like they burn his skin; liquid fire. He wishes he wasn’t crying, because he never wanted Raihan of all people to see him cry because- because Raihan would feel like he’d have to do something to stop it. But Leon doesn’t want him to do anything but stand there and listen.

When Raihan steps forward, Leon steps away.

“I thought I could be a hero,” he continues. “The Chairman told me I could be. When I was a kid, you know, he said I could save Galar if I wanted to. I could be like those legends. I would go down in history.”

Leon gives a watery cough. “What ten year old wouldn’t want to hear that? I thought I could do anything, I became Champion on my first try, they were calling me a prodigy. So why couldn’t I be a hero? But I don’t…”

He feels like a child throwing a tantrum, he doesn’t think he has any right to be talking like this, he doesn’t think it’s fair of him to stand in Raihan’s home at one in the morning crying his eyes out because suddenly he doesn’t like being Champion. Suddenly he can’t handle the stress and pressure when he’s been doing so for over ten years. He can’t remember a time during his teen years he really felt like a kid, and he desperately wishes he could. Just something. One thing. Anything.

“ _I don’t want to be a hero!_ ”

It startles Raihan, the way Leon shouts, but then everything is tumbling out and Leon is yelling himself hoarse, “Do you think I could have my own life? An ordinary one? Maybe people would see me as Leon instead of the Champion, but I don’t even know what that means. Who is Leon? Who am I? Who am I?”

He crouches down, shaking like a leaf. “I don’t even recognize myself in the mirror,” he warbles. “And sometimes, I just want to run away.”

Then he’s rising back up and moving again and before he knows it he’s clinging onto the nearest source of warmth that he can find—which happens to be Raihan, who stiffens up at the contact and all Leon can do is cry, cry, cry.

—

Leon is crying against him. This is definitely not how Raihan envisioned this would go. Once Leon began his venting and refused to get near Raihan, Raihan had accepted that's just how it was going to go, even if the sudden need to come in close and comfort Leon was hard to resist.

The last time he saw Leon cry was—okay, Leon cries pretty frequently, but never out of things like anger or sadness. He cries about things like Yamper puppies being too small or cries tears of pride when his baby brother does pretty much anything. Maybe the last time he saw these kinds of tears was when they were kids, before Leon was Champion, because he was still a little bit of a crybaby then until he became the face of a region.

When Leon clings onto him, Raihan isn't entirely sure what he should do with his hands. Does Leon want to be held? Or does he just want to cry in peace? He shakes against Raihan and Raihan really becomes aware of their difference in size. Leon isn't a frail man by any means, he's fit and trains his body as much as he trains his Pokémon, but he still stands over a foot shorter than Raihan and looks like he could be so easily enveloped by the gym leader.

Admittedly, there have been a few times where Raihan has thought about that. Enveloping Leon in his embrace and just holding him. He always hates himself for it, because he has no right to those thoughts when he's so sure Leon doesn't feel close to the same.

Okay, now is _not_ the time to be internally agonizing over his stupid crush.

Raihan stares down at the top of that head of purple hair, all he can see with Leon's face shoved into his chest. Tears are soaking into the front of his tank top, hot and uncomfortable, but he's sure they're much more uncomfortable for the guy they're actually coming out of. His fingers twitch at his side, he bites his lip.

_Time to risk it all, I guess._

Arms wind carefully around Leon's shoulders, Raihan leaning forward just a little bit to make it less awkward with the height difference. It's still pretty awkward, but they'll figure it out.

Wait, what?

No, they won't "figure it out". This will be the last time. Of course it will. No doubt about it.

Leon's breath hitches, his weak sobs coming to a halt momentarily. Raihan combs his fingers through that wild mane of hair, gently tugging any tangles loose, curling locks around his fingers. Yeah… Leon's hair is as soft as it looks. It's thick and shiny and well taken care of because Leon is impeccable with his grooming, almost as much as Raihan is.

He's half-expecting Leon to wiggle away, but he doesn't. Instead, he just about melts into Raihan's touch and the tears start up again. They keep coming, coming, coming, and torrential rain with seemingly no end. Leon cries until his voice is hoarse, cries until he can't cry anymore and all Raihan can do is stroke his hair while rubbing soothing circles with his palm between Leon's shoulder blades.

Once the sounds die down and those violent shakes are reduced to small trembles, when Leon just sags uselessly against him, Raihan lets himself speak.

"Got it all out?"

Leon sighs heavily but says nothing. Raihan uses one hand to gently tilt his head back so he can look at him, at his face covered in dry tears and sweat, his eyes puffy, his lips quivering. Somehow even like this, he manages to be _pretty,_ which might have been annoying any other time.

"Yeah," Leon finally croaks, ducking his head away. "Can I use your bathroom?"

"Go ahead."

The champion gives a little nod, then practically stumbles through the living room and disappears down the hallway. A moment later, Raihan can hear the sound of running water.

Right, water.

He fills up a glass in the kitchen sink and sets it on the coffee table for Leon to take if he really wants to. Palming at his eyes, he yawns, and then throws a glance at the clock on the microwave. 1:30AM. He has to be at the gym bright and early in a few hours. He should go back to sleep.

But… he wants to make sure Leon is okay first.

Leon finally appears in the living room again a few minutes later, his face still streaked red but now clean of snot and tears, but still looking so _tired_. Raihan follows his gaze to the glass of water, relieved when he walks over and picks it up, downing it quickly.

"Sorry," Leon finally says.

Raihan frowns. "You don't have to apologize."

A beat of silence, then another. Leon is rubbing at his face with both hands, squishing his cheeks, doing what he had told Raihan once was "stimming". Raihan lets him do what he needs to do in silence, doesn't even move from where he stands at the kitchen island.

"You didn't have to see that, is all," Leon says, softer than before. "Or hear all of that. It's not your problem to deal with."

"We're friends," Raihan replies without hesitation. "Yeah, I know, _rivals,_ too. But off the pitch we're friends first. You can tell me anything."

Leon looks down. His hair spills over his shoulder, hiding Leon's face like a curtain. Raihan finally moves again, circling around the island, each footstep slow to give Leon enough time to move away if he wants to, but he doesn't. Careful not to loom, Raihan stands before him and reaches out to touch his wrist.

"You don't have to be the _Champion_ here. You can just be Leon." Then he pinches Leon's cheek playfully. They're always so soft, Leon has said more than once how he thinks it's a curse every other part of his face is _masculine,_ but he can't get rid of those squishy cheeks. Raihan, for one, thinks it's cute.

"Whatever that means," Leon says, smacking Raihan’s hand away.

"You know. Smart, kind, stubborn, a little clumsy, a crybaby—"

"Hey," Leon huffs, but he still has a tiny, shaky smile.

"Hey," Raihan echoes back. "I'm _just_ saying."

"Tosser."

"Wanker."

Leon scrunches his nose up. It's cute. But he can't really appreciate it right now when it's extremely obvious he's just finished crying and is absolutely _exhausted._ Raihan worries the inside of his cheek with his teeth, a sharp canine threatening to pierce the flesh.

"Wyndon isn't a short trip from here. You want to stay the night?"

"Huh?"

"Do you want to stay the night," Raihan repeats, slower this time.

Leon hesitates, glancing at the floor, then the window, then the ceiling, then the couch, and then Raihan. "Is that really okay?"

"If it wasn't, I wouldn't have offered." Jeez, he doesn't remember the last time he's seen Leon so… uncertain, confused. Sobbing your eyes out will do that to you, Raihan supposes. Makes your brain all foggy. Plus, given everything Leon just cried _about…_

"Where should I sleep?" Ah, the million-dollar question. Raihan's couch doesn't have a pull-out, and he hasn't invested in an air mattress yet. So…

"My bed is big enough for two," he says. "Big enough you'll have plenty of space, too. I won't be rolling on top of you at any point."

He wonders if Leon still sleeps the same: curled up on his side in a ball, completely still, and not budging a single bit through the whole night. When they were younger, Raihan was always terrified that Leon died or something, when really he simply _sleeps_ like the dead.

Leon rubs the back of his neck. "Okay. I, uh, didn't bring any clothes to sleep in, though."

"Not a problem. C'mon."

And he switches the lamp off and starts down the hallway, Leon in tow. The bedroom light is already on, the blankets on his bed a mess since he had been asleep when Leon knocked on his door. Leon stands in the doorway while Raihan digs through his dresser.

Realization hits him.

Leon is going to be wearing _his_ clothes. Oh, that shouldn't be making him feel so warm all over. It's just for tonight, it doesn't mean anything, Leon just needs something to sleep in that isn't a thick sweater and worn jeans. It's fine. Raihan is glad the heat in his cheeks isn’t too obvious.

Frustratingly enough, Leon doesn't look fazed at all when Raihan turns to look at him, a T-shirt and sweatpants in his hands.

"I have some spare toothbrushes from the dentist in the bathroom cabinet. You just gotta open 'em," he says as he hands the clothes over. Their fingers brush briefly as Leon takes the clothes, sending an electric shock through Raihan.

"Thanks," Leon replies, a smile twitching at his lips. It makes Raihan's heart do a funny little thing in his chest. Then Leon is walking past him without another word and disappearing into the master bathroom, the door shutting with a soft _click._ Raihan stares after him, stares at the shut door for maybe a little too long before he comes to his senses. This is definitely a weird situation. Is this ever going to be brought up again? Leon might just pretend nothing happened come morning and Raihan will have to play along.

Even though he doesn't think he'd be able to forget it.

So after shutting the bedroom light out, leaving only the lamp at his bedside on, he just drags himself back into bed, keeping to one side rather than sprawling out across the center. There are a few sounds from the bathroom: shuffling feet, running water, the rustle of clothes. When the door opens, Raihan forces himself to look away because oh _gods._

The shirt is definitely too big on Leon, threatening at any moment to slide down his shoulders, and it drops down far enough that it hides how those sweats hang below his hips. If Raihan saw _that_ bit, he really might have lost his mind. As if he's not losing his mind already. He focuses instead on the ceiling so he can't see how oddly small Leon looks in his clothes, how it makes him appear so much more vulnerable. How it makes tightness coil in Raihan's gut.

Leon doesn't notice how Raihan won't look at him. That, or he does and decides not to comment on it. Raihan isn't sure which is preferable. He feels the bed dip beneath Leon's added weight, through his peripheral he can see Leon getting himself comfortable, tugging the blankets over himself. He seems… oddly nonchalant about this sharing a bed thing. When they were kids they shared a tent a few times, but they were just _kids_ then.

Raihan tries not to think too hard about it.

"Are you feeling better?" He can't help but ask, finally deciding it's safe to look at Leon again. Leon shifts onto his back, turning his head to meet Raihan's gaze.

Silence, Leon looking like he's contemplating that question and his answer. And then, "I'll let you know in the morning."

“It’s already morning,” Raihan teases.

Leon huffs. “You know what I mean. When we wake up.”

“I’ll hold you to that.”

It makes Leon smile. Not his for-the-fans smile, but his real smile. Raihan wants to see that smile every day if he can. It would be nice if he was the reason for it each time. He watches as Leon turns away from him again and curls up into a tight ball.

Before Raihan reaches over to shut the lamp on his nightstand off he manages to breathe out, “Good night, Leon.”

He thinks Leon must have fallen asleep already because he doesn’t respond at first. Then after a few moments, in a voice so soft it makes Raihan’s heart ache, Leon says, “Good night, Raihan.” And then, “Thank you.”

Raihan doesn’t respond; he just smiles, fond, then flips the switch on the lamp and shrouds the room in darkness.

For a while, he just lies there with his eyes shut, listening to the sounds that nights during Hammerlocke bring. Hammerlocke isn’t as busy as Wyndon, no, but it’s still got its fair share of late-night activities. He can hear distant cars, loud laughter, a Pokémon’s cry. And… he can hear Leon’s breathing, soft and slow. The Champion’s fallen asleep by now while Raihan can’t sleep at all, everything said to him just weighing heavily on him.

How long has Leon felt like this, he wonders? How long has he been bottling it all up? Beneath that smile for the public, has he just been confused and hurting? Is… Raihan the first he’s told about it? He’s not sure how that makes him feel—glad, maybe, that Leon trusts him that much, but also sad at the same time that Leon’s kept it to himself for… years. He can’t help but open his eyes and reach out, twirling a strand of Leon’s hair loosely around his finger.

It’s soft, so soft, well-taken care of. Raihan wants to stroke it, to bury his face in it.

Slowly, as to not wake Leon up, he rises onto one elbow to look down at him. The moonlight filtering in through the blinds slants over Leon’s face, cutting through the dark blues of the night, illuminating him in ivory. His face is soft, his slow breathing puffing out between parted lips. Long lashes flutter in his sleep, brush against the arch of his cheekbones. He looks vulnerable. He looks beautiful. If Raihan could, he’d take a photo of it, but he has a sense of decency and boundaries.

He just wishes he could see Leon like this whenever he wanted: comfortable in his bed, face gentle in his slumber, curled up under his blankets in Raihan’s clothes. If only the circumstances that led to this were different.

Raihan can’t help himself—he ducks his head down to lightly brush his lips over Leon’s temple. Leon doesn’t react. It’s for the best he doesn’t.

Lying down fully again, a little closer this time, Raihan shuts his eyes. A few minutes later, he falls asleep.

—

In the morning when they both wake up pressed close, latched onto one another, they say nothing about it.

Right, for the best.

**Author's Note:**

> had this idea for a fic in my head for WEEKS and talked about it with my friend and now here it is! (rubs my little trans gay mentally ill autistic hands all over leon)
> 
> [twitter](http://twitter.com/zhamusiel)   
>  [tumblr](http://hellfirecitadel.tumblr.com)
> 
> thanks for reading!


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